Trump Picks Elon Musk For Vice President – CleanTechnica

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Donald Trump chose CleanTechnica headquarters in beautiful downtown Burbank to announce his running mate in this year’s election. “You guys are doing an awesome job — AWESOME JOB!” he told executive editor and general factotum Zachary Shahan when he called to schedule his announcement. It just so happens CleanTechnica’s conference room is on the 47th floor. “I looked all over — ALL OVER — for a place on the 47th floor where I could announce my vice president. When I get elected in November, I will be the 47th president of the United States, so the number 47 is very important to me — VERY IMPORTANT!” Then he hung up.

On the appointed day at the appointed hour — exactly 47 minutes after 3 o’clock — Trump stepped off the freight elevator with 47 other people — 12 Secret Service agents, 20 staffers, and 15 sycophants hoping to get a presidential pardon. What with all the jostling that took place, the great man’s tangerine tinted comb-over had slipped a bit, so we had to wait while two hair stylists adjusted it and added some cement wash to keep it in place.

Then he stepped into the conference room and said loudly, “What a dump! The guest bathrooms at Mar-A-Lago are bigger than this. That’s where I keep the nuclear codes, you know. I wonder if they changed them since I left the Offal Office? My 300,000 square foot apartment in Trump Tower makes this place look sick.”

One of the staffers promptly produced two Big Macs, a large order of fries, and a chocolate milk shake. “Get a photo of me holding all this so people can see I have really, really big fingers,” he said with a sly grin. When he was done packing it all in, he stepped to the podium and said, “I’m here today to announce that Elon Musk will be my running mate this year.” Elon himself then slipped into the room through a side door and the two men raised their hands together and grinned like they were on the set of Dumb and Dumber while the sycophants cheered.

Zachary said, “Umm, sir, you know that Elon can’t be your vice president because he is not a native born citizen of the United States, right?” Trump reached into his pocket and pulled out a Sharpie. “That’s not a problem. Constitutions are for suckers. As soon as I’m back in the Offal, I’m gonna rewrite it to say I can have anyone I want as my vice president. If I can control hurricanes with this,” he said, waving the Sharpie in the air, “I can control the Constitution. It’s so out of date, it needs updating anyway.

“While I’m at it, I’m gonna eliminate that two term nonsense. America needs a stable genius like me running things. Putin has been on the job for 24 years and he’s done a great job making Russia what it is today. That guy in Jerusalem, Notayahoo, has been in power for 16 years. Just imagine what I could do if I ran America for that long? We would have lots more billionaires, that’s for sure.” Elon took a sip of ketamine and smiled like Alfred E. Neuman.

Trump & The EV Revolution

“Sir?” Zachary said. “You have said you are opposed to electric cars, but Elon runs one of the biggest electric car makers in the world. Have you two talked about that?” Trump took a sip of bleach, patted his hair, and said, “Electric cars? They kill all the birds. ALL THE BIRDS! Elon and I have a deal. It’s easy to make deals. I do it all the time. I’ve made 14 deals already today. I can’t stop making deals I’m so good at it.

“Elon gets to make all the electric cars he wants, but he has to sell them in other countries. The cars Tesla sells in America will have a good old fashioned gasoline engine in the frunk. That stuff about carbon emissions? That’s junk science. Fake News. Trees and plants need carbon dioxide. Mighty maples from tiny acorns grow. My father taught me that.”

“I think you might be confused, sir,” Zachary said. “Marla Maples was your second wife. It’s oak trees that grow from acorns.” Trump seemed befuddled. “I was married to Marla Maples? When did that happen? Why was I not informed?” He turned to one of his flunkies. “It’s your job to stay on top of who I married and when. You know I can’t tell them all apart.” The flunky slunk off to check on something. Musk just nodded and smiled.

“Just so you know, I’m going to ban electric cars in America and rip out all those chargers Joe Biden put in. They kill all the birds, all the birds. I’m gonna do away with that Inflation Reduction Act on Day One — DAY ONE! I’ll replace it with a $10,000 incentive for cars and trucks that weigh more than 10,000 pounds and cost more than $100,000. That’s what we need to make America great again.

“That’s what my friends in the auto industry asked me to do and I always take care of my friends — especially if they give me money. I’m gonna call it the Rollin’ Coal Act. Mike Johnson has it all teed up in the House and he says he will pass it just as soon as I tell him to. I’m gonna call him on Day One — DAY ONE! — once I’m back in the Offal.

“I told Elon I would ban all other car companies so he would have a monopoly in the US. And I’ll put a $50,000 tariff on all those electric cars from China. We’re not going to have a bunch of Chinese cars running around taking videos for Xi Jinping. Trade wars are easy to win. I proved it the last time I was president and I will prove it again. Xi and his cronies will be begging for mercy by the time I get through with them. I’m gonna put the hurt on those guys bigly.”

“What about that?” Zachary asked, turning to Musk with a “say it isn’t so” look on his face. “Fine by me,” Elon said. “I got mine, brother. Too bad about all you other suckers.” Trump smiled at his presumptive vice president, ate a fistful of fries, and took another sip of bleach.

“Elon is a very smart guy. He’s bigly intelligent,” the disgraced former president said on Truth Social, which is valued at two trillion dollars as of today. “He can make rockets fly backwards, which is exactly what America needs. If the Russians fire long range missiles at us, Elon will make them fly right back where they came from and blow up the Kremlin. I hope my good friend Vlad The Impaler isn’t home when that happens,” he added.

Asked who else he considered for vice president, Trump said Alex Jones was high on his list, along with Mike Lindell, the My Pillow guy. “I admire Alex a lot for the way he made billions lying about the Sandy Hook massacre. Wish I had thought of that. I need all the money I can get to fight back against crooked judges, crooked prosecutors, crooked juries, crooked appeals courts, and crooked politicians. Thank God I have six Supreme Court stooges — umm, judges — in my pocket. Otherwise I would be in jail instead of the Offal Office,” he said as he wrapped himself in a huge American flag and grinned like Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

“I considered Tucker Carlson, but, jeeze, did you see that interview he did with Putin? That was pathetic. Even Ronna McDaniel wouldn’t stoop that low. Ron DeSantis called me up and wanted to be on the ticket but can you imagine anyone voting for someone like that? He looks like an immigrant and my supporters want nothing to do with immigrants. They’re all cannibals and murderers, every one of them, except for most of my wives and all their relatives I got into the country when nobody was looking.”

Then Trump wrapped himself in a second American flag and said, “I know a thing or two about crooks. I’m one myself, so that makes me really smart, not a sucker like all the millions of people who watched The Apprentice and thought it was real. When I get back in the Offal Office, on Day One — DAY ONE! — I will make Fox News the official news outlet for the United States government. I’m also going to ban the New York Times, the Washington Post, AP, NBC, CBS, and all the other scum who have been telling lies to the American people.

“From Day One — DAY ONE — Lachlan Murdoch will be in charge of all news in the United States and I am thinking seriously about giving Rupert Murdoch the Medal of Freedom. I might give one to Orban and Kim Il Jong, too. Those guys have done such great things for their countries.  Oh, and Louis DeJoy. He has done a heck of a job screwing up the post office. I think he deserves to be Secretary of State. Just watch all those snobs like Macron when they have to sit down with Louie. They’ll be singing out of the other side of their mouths when he gets done with them.”

Trump/Musk 2024

The magalomaniac from Mar-A-Lago swilled a Diet Coke while he wolfed down another Big Mac. “I like anything big,” he said. “I’m a very stable genius with very big hands and fingers. Have you noticed?” he asked as he waved his pudgy little digits about. “Everything about me is big. I am the most popular person of all time. The Pope? He’s got nothing on me. I am adored by everyone on Earth. There will be a billion people at my inauguration. The crowd will be so big, you’ll be able to see if from outer space.”

Next, the serial philanderer told how he and Musk will become fabulously wealthy by merging their social media channels. “We’re gonna call it TruthX,” he said. “Elon’s gonna get everyone in the world to follow me. It’s gonna make that Sucker Guy look like a chump. When we get done, I will have ten billion followers who hang on my every word. They will all wake up every morning to a post from me about how immigrants are sucking the blood from American patriots.

“We’re gonna build a wall 100 feet high out of unsold Tesla Cybertrucks. Might as well put them to good use rather than leaving them out to rust behind the Gigafactory in Austin. Let’s see all those rapists and murders try to get into the country though all that ballistic-grade stainless steel and bullet proof glass! Hah! It’s gonna be such a show. I can sell tickets to pay for all my lawyers.

“Maybe I’ll sell some basketball shoes with the American flag embossed into the soles. Yeah. And some Bibles that just have the Old Testament, the one that has all that stuff about an angry, punishing God. We need more righteous indignation, none of this woke ‘turn the other cheek, love your neighbor’ fake religion. My supporters want to be part of the End Times and I am going to see they get a chance to do it.”

What Will Musk Do?

Some of the reporters on hand asked what Musk’s role would be in the new administration. “Nothing,” Trump said. “Everyone knows the vice president doesn’t actually do anything, so Elon will be free to micro-dose and run his 574 companies just like he does now. And when it’s time for him to be president eight years from now after I amend the Constitution on Day One — DAY ONE! — I will really be running the show just the way Dick Cheney did so Elon can go right on doing what he always has — fathering as many children as possible to colonize Mars.”

“But, sir,” Zachary said. “If you are president and/or vice president for 16 more years, you will be 94 years old when you leave office. Will you retire then?” Trump paused a beat and then said, “Jared and Ivanka will take over then, and when they are done 16 years later, Baron will take over. There will be Trump in the Offal Office until at least 2072. Is this a great country or what?”

If you said, “or what,” go to the head of the class.